My Janmashtami Experience that I will always Cherish - I saw Lord Krishna just as in Bhagawatam

Story of Lord Krishna has always been around me ever since I have been a kid. He has been the closest human form one has always related as a newborn and onwards into his teens and being an adult. Well ofcourse the next closest I can recollect is Jesus Son of god, why mention Jesus coz I love to see similarity pattern eg, both infants born at midnight is it not?  But the stories of Lord Krishna stays because every day every moment of his growing phase is in story form, innocence or being mischievous (teenage naughtiness ) and so on upto self-realization. Every toughest phase of life he has managed with ease thats how its always projected or that he is most charming and charms not just Gopikas but women and men. 

The baby boy I gave birth to, i don't know if he was ever charming but he always had and has a Charishma around him. PPL may not remember Devaki but surly remembers how Yashoda managed our little hero on every janmastami. In my story i am both Devaki and Yashodha ma. I never had any idea that infants or babies are also dressed up as Krishna, i never had the privilege of being amidst my age boys when i was a kid so no idea. 

Here starts my journey of dressing up my son as Krishna, his first Krishna Jayanthi he had hardly started to move around home, my parents came home at Sandhya Kala (dusk) they were both gleaming like they were studded with diamonds. OfCourse they wanted to be with their grandson infant Krishna. IN a matter of few mins my son was dressed up as Krishna, 

Fab Indias doti pants, 

Charminar pearls, 

home made kajal (mai) on his eyes and forhead and toes, 

silver anklets, and 

a plastic hairband kind of a crown. All was ok i was a bit worried about that crown on a baby, well i am not the only parent there is it not? it was a crown my sister had won for women's day which my dad had apparently retained to repurpose for this event, Knowing my dad, i was not surprised, he has sat with it for hours to fix the inside of the small crown with sponges all over in Such a  way the sponges are not seen on the other side but a beautiful crown.

That day was the start of my journey to dress up my son, however things went in a different direction a year later, assessments and therapies and answering every one i met on what is wrong with my son, Evern now someone looking at my teenager asked what is wrong with him why is he not normal? Answering  / ignoring / advocating that journey is still on. however  every year i tried to dress him up. Sensory issues so holding on to or keeping them would be a challenge. To understand those aspects of life had been a challenge, and i am still learning and exploring it. Till the year 2020 when i attended a 3 month detailed workshop(counseling) on understanding and changing myself i never realized till some reflections where made there, that i had been to all possible crap called depression anxiety and what every other names one wants to call. 

I would sit and cry, back breaking after attempt to Dressup after running and being a chauffer to school and back to back therapies and then back home for such festivities. if one thing i never wanted to give up was dress up. Almost all years my husband would be away due to work and wont be around during Janmashtami, that year when he was there my son was 7 years every one at home was busy with their own fasting and prayers, i never realized i had hit this thing called BURN OUT, for the next 4 years 5 times i was shuttling between hospital and home for ensuring drips are on me. . This year when he was 7 years, i was about to give up on everything, i felt hopeless, useless no energy not even an iota of energy was left in me but since i was Walkin and talking people around me thought was all healthy, physically and mentally and emotionally i was in minus 50 deg kinds. 

So what happened that year, i could not even move my arthritis was on its peak that every joint was hurting. My husband walked towards me from pooja room, asked me - :not dressing him up?" 

I did even have energy, i said - " Oh what's the point after that in less than 2 or 3 seconds he is going to remove every thing" Technically it was true but i blamed him instead of saying i want to give up. I wanted to give up on everything, as i type my back still hurts recollecting those moments, but i want this for you to read so that you also don't give up on ur life in any circumstances. 

All he told me is - "at least put a new dress for him" . I felt like asking can u not do that i am tired. (never do this mistake if u cannot take help don't burn ur self up take help whoever is able to help dont set expectations only from some ppl) I am ever grateful for my husband to ask me to at least put a regular new dress. and I still dont know where i had the energy, i was not happy with any new dress, i said to myself for this i might as well dress up a living being as LORD KRISHNA and pray unto him even if its for 2 seconds. Started with -50 strength.

Miracle i want to call this moment, i went upto my son and said lets dress u up. He was seated on the bean bag, Looked directly into my eyes with eyebrow lifting, a small twist on the corners of his lips.  Our conversation over. COnversation between my son and me was done.

Will u believe it, he said with his eyes -"what took you so long dear, I have been waiting for u to dress me up as every other year". With tears in my eyes, both of bodily pain and for having understood my son, i am also just like others i also need attention like other kids. The Pain in me, where i have always cried that i have not given him childhood but only time between therapies and home seated and gaping at him without energy to even laugh or tickle him. With pain in every millimeter of my body. I started the dress up, nothing great below is the image of dress up and me of that year. 

Right after i dressed him up; for 3 seconds i saw a mischievous toddler Krishna (the lord himself appear thru him) Hard to describe. 

Since 2021 my life has gone back to working with my son as a Zero to 3 month old restarting life almost daily looking for how to restart and get a rhythm of sleep or even eat or do all that we achieved as ADLS ... Many have been asking me where i get my source of strength to restart life literally daily? This is how and the list is below..

To all of you - Be it a special needs family or otherwise, you have your own challenges, but you also have the strength in you. Don't give it up ever. there will be people most times families drown us, its ok get up and get going. however, my list is more as a mom of a spl needs and here it is...

1. Every life is divine

2. Our kids love our attention (it was probably at that time of dress up only i look at him with all smiles)

3.  Every event our kids also love to get involved in their own way as they have loads of sensorial issues sometimes it could be sound, sometimes a smell of some food item or someone's perfume or chemicals. and so on.. Something so called normal people cannot sense they can that is others aura, and so don't expect them to interact and say hi bye to anyone and everyone, even if its their own parents or grandparents till they are ready with the AURA sensory from within them.

4. our kids expect the same treatment as others, never talk less about them in front of anyone else. Talk about their good qualities.  Trust me i have seen them do their best, its not that they don't want they they are unable to do and be like u or me.

5. They are not show pieces, just because someone else make their child to dance or sing in front of other visitors its not necessary ur kid should too.

6. fill your cup or put ur oxygen mask before ur kids (even if its eating coz u need that energy to handle things, coz you need 48 hours in a day u will have to eat for urself and feed ur kid)

7. GIVE A DAMN to ppl this i am saying this today, today learning that giving time for everyone else.  We wont have the every for ourself nor for our kids, so give a damn to ppl who dont understand u. ANYWAY THEy are going to bitch about u behind ur back. ignore such ppl.

8. Take help - taking help can be from anyone anywhere, everyone is buys in their own life, but if someone is ready to give u 5 mins time take it.. u have to become a strategic officer, use their 5 mins with their strengths.. those 5 mins from different ppl is a big bonus.

9. Never fall trap into comparison, with so many groups in WhatsApp/FB and so on, because someone posted a wonderful image of their festivities or lives does not mean u can create one, it need not be the same one at the same time. Make ur own miraculous moments. if your not able to do dress up as krishna on krishna jayanthi do it next day or next month simple. its between u and ur miracle.

10. there will be people who will give u advice,  when u have a spl child why do u want to do festivities.. its up to u what u want to take as advice and what u dont want too.. in take away is, these are all times when we can engage in pincer sensory and hands eye movement waiting tolerance etc.. and more like a holiday away from daily mundane activities. only thing we should not fall trap to is doing ti better thatn someone else.. do it for u and ur kid, if not just dont do this event do the next if u want.. Simple.

11. i have stopped making eateries, these days u get them all over the place at all times and can also get swigged. if ur kid loves to cook then start these sensorial preps together a few days before than doing i ton the same day. too many on same day same time can be overwhelming for these kids/teens/adults. I had posted once i am open to receive eateries as i dint make it, and suddenly i get a Uber connect parcel with sweets and savories for the lord made in her home.. thanks to that cousin of mine..

12. treat urself with love and them too with love. 

I have done many mistakes, and i still do i am learning. Here is something i have been wanting to share for  along time about that 7 year old miralce. While i dont know how my life is going to turn out with my son (may be Radhe in ur case ur daughter) that moment when my son smiled and took that dress up and waited to take a picture with me is the best krishna Jayanthi every. 

Tears just flows every time i hear the song - enna thavam saidhanai yashoda engum neerai parabhramam amma endrayazika... what penance have you done dear Ma Yashoda that the lord himself calls u amma... 

I am yet to hear my teeanger call me amma. Trust me i still have not given up. coz i said I AM YET TO HEAR. so stop affirming urself about ur own kids saying on they are non verbal.. do what you have to do give them pecs or avaz or any AAC but dont give up on small things it may be delayed that's all.. just the way i thought my son wont stay in one place but run all over and i wont have energy to dress him up.. but that year he sat all thru the time to get dressed is that not a miracle?

Wishing you happy and healthy Krishna Jayanthi. May you find the miraculous strength that makes u wake up the next day and restart life all over again.